Sunday, September 15, 2019


Reading time    |     7 min 45 sec

There was her,
the ordinary-looking woman, without any, make up on, with a few freckles and scars all over her face.

Did she think she is beautiful?

She scrolled over the explore page on Instagram, where all the beautiful women exist. Every single of them is pretty.
With huge eyes, small face, plump lip, sharp jaw and tiny chin.
Everyone looks almost the same, and she wanted to be like them.
A tiny waist, big breast, jelly ass and skinny leg. 
They look so perfect from head to toe. 
How can someone be this beautiful?

Their beauty is extraordinary, almost look fake. But fakeness is the new standard of beauty. The faker you are, the more beautiful you look. And more people will love you because of your look.

There are countless amazing surgeries she could get to look like them. There are many unbelievable treatments as well to make her look more and more like the other women.

It must feel so good to look perfect, she wanted to look perfect and pretty just like them.

But she ain't perfect.
No matter how much money she had wasted, there was always someone prettier than her. She even uses filters to make her self look more flawless. But it was not enough for her that made her fell into depression.

Whenever she looked in the mirror, it was always her. The ugly looking woman with her ugly face. She looked prettier each year, but no matter how much effort she had wasted, she still felt horrible.

She felt unworthy, and like a failure, after all the effort she did, she felt lonely, and no one cared about her. 

What is life? Why she didn't feel happy? She was only happy at some specific moments. But why it didn't last? What she did wrong?

Quickly, she opened her Instagram and looked at her account. 
Millions of followers, thousands of likes, hundreds of compliments and countless pictures of her looking like a goddess. 

She smiled, she browsed through all her posts as quick as she could to feel better. To saw a perfect looking woman, loved by all people around the world.

Then she cried... 

She threw her phone and laughed, it was useless, all she had done were useless.

She felt useless, unworthy multiple times, like a lifeless fake doll and a worthless human being. She ran to the mirror to see her horrible face. 

All her make up was a mess, just like her life. 

She thought that a useless woman like her doesn't have a place in this world, and no one will care if she's gone. 

This weekend will be the perfect day for her to end her suffering.

2 days before Sunday,
She met with an old lady in her 90.

Her skin looked awful, there were countless freckles all over her skin, and her wrinkles almost covered her tiny lips. She wore a baggy white top and a brown trouser, looking really funny with her bamboo basket. She looked nothing but ordinary.

But there was something different about the old lady, what was it? 

She looked at the old lady from head to toe. Nothing luxurious. 
She couldn't take her eyes off from that old lady.

The old lady moved around the room with her head up, a bright smile and a friendly gesture of a... Happy people?

'She didn't look like all the women on Instagram, but why did I envy her?' 

'Then I realised it was her aura, that made her look extraordinary.' 

She sounded lovely when she talked, and especially when she laughed. 

Even though she forgot her words after a few minutes, you couldn't help to smile at her beautiful personality.

Personality?... Hmm.

'That old lady talked to everyone in the room, and while she was looking at her, she was already in front of her.' 

"What a good day, my dear, what are you doing in here? I've never seen you before." ☺️

"Oh, yeah, sorry, just having a bad day and I'm looking for the best way for my departure." 😞

"Are you going far? Where are you going?" ☺️

"I'm going to somewhere... far. Far, far away and won't be back." 😞

"Oh, my dear, do what makes you happy! You're still very young, I was in New York at your age. 😉 But remember, (she put her hand on her chest) do what the heart wants."

That slapped her on her face. She couldn't hold her tears. That old lady looked worried and hugged her,  "Oh my dear, is there something wrong?". 🙁

"I hate my life, I feel like a failure and unworthy. I don't know what to do anymore..." 😭

"Oh, dear... I know, I know how you feel. I really do. I was once young and silly like you. 😉 I took many stupid decisions in my life, I let down all the people who truly love me, and I tried to end my life in despair. It was a difficult year, my dear, oh dreadful, but I'm glad I've won the battle." 😊

She stopped crying, and she looked at the old lady's eyes, it was a deep green colour like a pine forest in the winter, but there was a light of snowflakes, dust of life. She looked at the old lady's wrinkles, it's proof of all the struggles in her life. It doesn't look like a sign of oldness now, weirdly, she thought it looks beautiful.

She tried to collect her words, "So how you built your life again?"

The old lady smiled, "It wasn't easy, but I left everything that made me unhappy. I left all the things that made me hate my self, I set my self free. And that was the best thing I've ever done in my life. I've never looked back, never." ☺️

She was in silent for a moment, but then she realised something important. Something that she failed to remember for a long time.

"Have you ever failed?", asked her to the old lady.

"Oh yeah many times my dear, it was tough to cut the chain that has been shackled us for a long time. I was afraid that it'd be a wrong step again, but I braved my self and said to my self that it's gonna be okay. That I wasn't a failure, that it was alright for me to be afraid and wrong sometimes. That I could fix and start everything all over again. That I have the right to be loved and love the ugly me. I also have the right to live and to be happy. Oh, it was hard, my dear, it was a real battle, but after I've passed all the hardships, I felt alive again. And here I am, in my 90. Getting old gracefully, I've never expected that God will bless me with such a long life!" 😂

We both laughed.

It was warm, when was the last time I feel this kind of warmth...

Not too long the old lady said awkwardly,
"Oh hello dear, I'm sorry but could you please tell me what are we talking about just now? It's embarrassing dear, oh silly me!!" 😣

"Do not worry. May I know what is your name?"

"It's Merlin, my dear, happy to see you here!" 😄

"Thank you, Merlin, you just save my life today."

She hugged and kissed Merlin on the cheek, said goodbye and went straight to home. She needed to find something that she avoided to see this whole time.

She rushed to find her photo album that she used to hide. Her hand was trembling, but she tried to control her self, and then she opened the first page. 

There was the girl, she looked ordinary, nothing special about her but her eyes. Her eyes were shining, there was life in her eyes and real happiness in her smile. Weirdly, she didn't think she was ugly at that time.

Then she strolled to her only friend in the room, the mirror. She saw a beautiful woman, just like one of the goddesses on Instagram. But she looked ugly. 

She took out her contact lenses, her false lashes and wet the cotton with makeup remover. She removed everything from her face, stared into the mirror again, she looked sad, there were freckles and scars on her skin, and she started crying...

"I'm sorry... I'm so sorry to ruin you..."

Why she couldn't see it all this time? She was fine. 
It was all started because she forgot how to love her self first. She didn't realise the effect of social media with all the mainstream beauty standards, that was killing her personality. 

She forgot her real self, she lost the meaning of her own life, she didn't live her life. She was living the life of someone she didn't know just because she thought their life is more beautiful than her. 

Now that she becomes one of them, she realises that her life isn't beautiful and their life probably not as well. There is nothing perfect in this life. And no one is perfect.

She wants her freedom back, she wants to start all over again and build her life from scratch. She wants to live her own life, with real life, real people, real experience and more importantly, she wants to feel alive again.

She unlocks her phone and hit the delete button for her social media apps, she hesitates for a second, but she whispers to her self, 'I want to be free'. And so she deletes them and starts her healing journey.

It's awesome. Just like what Merlin said.
The best thing she had ever done in her life. 
Now, she understands why Merlin said it was hard, it is indeed hard, but she believes she will not regret her decision ever. She might lose her life on the Internet, but she got a more important lesson than that, a new book, a new meaningful life.

A few years later...

She gets some apps back again on her phone, but she is a new person with different purposes. She doesn't follow all the goddesses anymore, she doesn't follow the persona that does not make her a better person. 

She doesn't follow the trend like everyone else anymore, she doesn't try to be like someone else. She uses social media wisely, to find some new information, inspirations and the most important: cute animals.

She spends most of her time learning a new language, meeting with her friends, playing with her pets, attending her yoga class and oh, She is engaged now. How wonderful life is!

After she decided to be free, she started to learn about her self more and eventually, she accepted her true self. When she got to love her good, bad and her ugly side, her soulmate came unexpectedly to her life. It was a miracle, and she praised God for the worst and the best of her life.

Sometimes she still feels anxious, yes it's a part of her. But, she doesn't reject the fact anymore. The ugly her is her. 

Even though she is imperfect, she knows she deserves to be loved. She got depressed sometimes, but that's okay because she knows she is not alone anymore and she is allowed to feel not okay. There's sunshine after the storm, and it's beautiful, truly beautiful.

Hey mirror, 
so what do you see in the reflection of her now?

this writing was written by me in my free time as a reflection, nothing to do with a specific person.

All pictures are from Canva*

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