Since I was a kid, I always had insecurities bubbling inside me, like a poison that settled in my brain. Maybe it was because I was bullied as a child, or because of the comments from older people about my body. Growing up, we were close with the older gen, who somehow felt they had the right to point out how “ugly” we were or how imperfect we looked. It became so normalized that they did it all the time.
As a teenager, I had people, who I thought were more mature, constantly pointing out my physical imperfections—how “small” my eyes were, how “chubby” or “fat” I looked. They’d nitpick at everything they could about my appearance, without a second thought about how much it was actually hurting me. And I believed them. I started to hate myself.
My biggest dream as a teenager? To get plastic surgery so I could feel beautiful and not ugly anymore.
As I got older, I was lucky enough to receive a good education, meet people from different walks of life and country, live abroad, and learn many new things.
I began to accept my own appearance and stopped believing toxic words. But it wasn’t easy—my brain had already been trained to hate my self. Imagine hearing voices in your head every day, telling you that you’re ugly, fat, and unloved—like your own brain is bullying you.
It’s funny though, a few years ago, when blogs were still popular, two ps clinics in SK offered me complimentary ps. But by then, I had already begun to accept myself, little by little.
I didn’t take the offer because, honestly, I was afraid I wouldn’t like the result or worse—it wouldn’t look like me anymore. A few years after that, I had tried fillers during a collab, but that was temporary and didn’t really change my features. I was still me and I had fun with the experience.
I don’t want to blame anyone, but I do feel like the boomers failed us when it comes to advocating self-love. We millennials ended up with so many insecurities, stuck with a distorted self-image. But life moves on, and I’ve walked this rough road. I don’t want the new generation to feel the same way. They should never have to feel like they aren’t beautiful, don’t have “body goals,” or aren’t lovable.
These days, I’m much more at peace with how I look. I fought my own mind and survived the harsh comments from others. I’m pretty happy with where I am now, and I think Jesus has blessed me as I’ve grown older. I don’t regret turning down those surgery offers.
I’m not sure what I’ll do when I’m much older, but I hope I can age gracefully, just as my Father intends.
Interestingly, as I’ve gotten older, I receive more compliments—whether from people I randomly meet while traveling or just anyone who’s met me in person. And you know what? I’ve realized it’s not just because of how I look. It’s about the inner beauty and confidence. I’ve been working on myself for years, and it shows in how I carry myself.
I see the result of my self-love training that beauty radiates from within.
To those who accuse me of spending lots on beauty clinics, you’re wrong. I haven’t gone for special procedure since 2017. Honestly, I’d rather spend 3.5mio++ on 10 Muay Thai sessions or a bottle of perfume than on botox or fillers.
It’s not like I’m against PS, filler, or Botox—it’s just a matter of priorities for me. I choose to spend my money where it feels more worthwhile for me personally. Maintaining a healthy lifestyle, reading good books, and meditating have had a bigger impact on how I look today.
And to be real with you—I still feel insecure and ugly sometimes, especially when I’m not okay and those voices in my head come back. But I’m trying. I’m a survivor, and I think self-love is really important for all of us.
Well, this is just my story, thanks for reading, xx
