Who isn't afraid of marriage and thinks it’s safer to stay single than risk a bad marriage? You’re not alone. I used to be terrified of marriage too—until I met Mat, my husband.
I’ve always been an independent woman, used to being on my own. I've only dated once, during my seventh semester of college. My friends thought I was lying, saying someone with my looks must have dated at least 20 guys. Not to brag, but I did have plenty of men interested in me. But after breaking up with my first boyfriend, I never considered dating again. I was too busy with my career and enjoying my life. One day, I could be on a small island in Lombok, and the next week, I might be in Osaka. That was the rhythm of my life.
For someone like me, always skeptical about marriage and content without love or an exclusive relationship, getting married and changing my views was surprising. Just to clarify, I didn’t come from a broken home. I grew up in a harmonious, close-knit family, and I have a great relationship with my siblings. Maybe because I had such a strong support system, I never felt the need to let anyone else into my life—I felt complete.
The Journey and Growth
The toughest part was during our long-distance relationship (LDR) between England and Indonesia. For someone whose love languages are quality time and acts of service, just video calls and chats were challenging. With my anxiety, an LDR felt like a nightmare on the hardest difficulty setting.
Interestingly, without me asking, Mat had already planned when he would return to Indonesia. He had everything figured out, and I appreciated his effort despite the challenges.
I still remember the frequent arguments we had during our LDR due to Mat's communication issues. He’s incredibly kind, but his lack of communication skills often led to misunderstandings. I often got angry, and we almost broke up one time. But Mat is very progressive. He wasn’t afraid to learn and improve his communication skills and was open to feedback. I was tough from the start because I didn’t want our relationship to continue to marriage unless we were both truly committed to working on it. I’m the type who’d rather not do something than do it half-heartedly.
Our hard work paid off beautifully. We found harmony and compatibility, and sometimes it feels like we’re living in a fairy tale. After getting married, we’ve been living happily ever after, just like in a storybook. I hope it stays this way despite any challenges that may come our way. What’s important is that we always face them together, strong and united.
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| The sky was literally like this in Bajo |
Of course, every marriage has its challenges, but for us, the issues often came from outside our relationship. If you're Asian, you'll know what I mean, the people around you could be the problem. We’re both good problem solvers, so when there’s friction, we find a solution rather than letting it escalate into a fight.
When I first met Mat, I made it clear that a lack of peace in a household can affect children’s development. If he wanted kids, I didn’t want the unhealthy habits he witnessed growing up to become normal in our family. Even if we didn’t have children, I didn’t want a marriage where the husband and wife frequently argued and lacked understanding. Constant arguments erode trust and can cause trauma, which can be passed on to children. I didn’t want a tiring marriage where I had to pretend we had a perfect family when we didn’t. If we couldn’t manage that, it would have been better not to get married at all.
I want us both to listen to each other, compromise, and communicate well without either of us being defensive or stubborn during discussions.
Sometimes, there are communication and reaction mismatches because we come from very different backgrounds. My parents hardly ever argued in front of us and had a harmonious marriage, while his parents were the opposite. I know it’s not his fault, but he needs to understand that our new family is a fresh start, and we shouldn’t bring old habits into this new life. I’m firm about this, and he agrees with my request to break the normalization of family conflicts. The excuse, “Oh, everyone does it,” is just for people who don’t want to strive for improvement. Sorry, not sorry.
Additionally, we face other challenges, like my severe mental health issues and Mat’s traumas. It's not easy, but love wins. We’re both strong-willed, determined to give our all in everything we do, and this drives us to work hard together.
Differences in personality aren’t much of a problem because we were both mature adults when we got married.
Communication is Key
People always say communication is key, but do you know? Most people are terrible at it. Communication isn’t just about “being able to talk.” Even a four-year-old can talk. So why do many couples fail at communication? Because it takes effort! Just like mastering any skill, good communication requires dedication, a desire to learn, and constant effort. It needs to be cultivated until it becomes an automatic behavior.
Why did our LDR succeed? Communication.
Why is our marriage peaceful? Communication.
Division of Responsibilities
We discussed this thoroughly before getting married, so after tying the knot, we knew our respective roles. If something doesn’t feel right, we just communicate about it.
For example, taking care of personal health, well-being, cleanliness, and personal space is each person’s responsibility. As adults, we’re responsible for ourselves and shouldn’t depend on each other but rather inspire each other to become better after marriage.
I volunteered to cook because I can cook and am willing to manage our daily diet. Mat volunteered for the heavy lifting because he’s stronger and capable. So, we both contribute to the household in ways we’re comfortable with.
Many Challenges
Even though our marriage is harmonious, we’ve faced various challenges before and after getting married. But because we’re always united, we’ve been able to overcome everything, and I hope we continue to do so.
For example, when we lived in England, it wasn’t easy being far from home, especially when we needed something and had no one to help. We had to rely on ourselves and each other. Mat was also stressed out while working on his PhD, and I had to manage our household finances carefully. People who didn’t know us thought we had an easy, affluent life, but everything we achieved came through sacrifice and hard work.
During tough times, we always prioritized our family because we agreed before marriage that we wouldn’t let others (even family) disrupt the harmony we’ve built. Whether it’s someone trying to take advantage of our kindness, criticizing our lifestyle, or making assumptions about us, we stay true to our decisions and trust in each other. We believe that there’s a time for everyone to receive help as long as they’re faithfully trying and waiting for God’s help.
Involving God
This might sound odd in today’s world, especially with the rise of agnosticism and atheism. Hey, I used to be agnostic, and Mat was often exposed to atheist beliefs due to his love of science and time spent abroad. Despite that, we both have one thing in common: we’re always seeking God, and those who seek will find. I’ve experienced and proven this myself—it’s amazing.
I, once an agnostic, met Mat, who was labeled liberal by other Christians. But the more I got to know him, the more I saw he was a man of faith, not because of his knowledge of religion, how well he knew the Bible, or how often he went to church. I saw the “it factor”—that he walks with God, even though he’s often misunderstood by others, including those close to him.
Before I met Mat, an uncle once gave me advice. It was very random, but he said, “If you want to find a husband, find one who truly fears God. There’s nothing more important than that!” This uncle was a Christian, and maybe others who aren’t would scoff and think he was preaching. But for some reason, I humbly listened to him seriously. Then a voice told me to always remember this statement. At that time, I didn’t understand it, but now I do. God is an essential foundation in a family, and those who believe in Him will receive the wisdom and blessings to have a good marriage.
Nothing is More Important
Sometimes, I think about how many couples (I know) often post photos with their partners with sweet captions about how they’re the perfect couple or “couple goals.” But in reality, they often argue, even in front of their kids. It’s like a daily meal for them. Many also consider divorce, even in situations I never imagined. Some chase money and fame so much that they forget their family. Trust me, when you get married, nothing is more valuable than the harmony of your home. Life feels like hell, even if you have money or anything you want, but deep down, you know your marriage isn’t going well. So, always remember this: no matter how hard things get, if you and your partner are together and in harmony, there’s no greater blessing than that!
As a couple married for just six years, we still feel like toddlers holding hands and learning new things every day. Though we often feel like we’ve been married for decades (with everything we’ve been through), we cherish every moment of this journey because God is always at the center of our marriage. I’m not afraid or embarrassed to mention God’s name because I want to honor Him in our marriage. God intended for us to have a complicated and exhausting love story that ultimately bore sweet fruit after marriage. Through this, God teaches that every challenge has a way out for those who have faith in Him. In every difficulty, there’s a blessing for those who are grateful and believe that with God, there’s always a way out.
There are many more things I’d love to share, but I’m afraid this post is already too long. So, I’ll stop here. Xx
