Saturday, January 04, 2020

2019's Story in a Wrap

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Last year was a roller-coaster for me. It was a healing year where I positively braved my self to dig deeper to the root; to study more about my self and accept all my obscurest side. It was the year where I earned my true peace and freedom as well. It was not a happy journey, but it was worth it and full of blessings.

At the beginning of this year, I have learnt to take care of disabled people. I worked part-time, 2-3 times a week for a few hours. If you asked me if it wasn't from God, I couldn't manage that. I was brought to the situation, and the main reason why I've decided to work was that I feel sorry for them.

This guy (A) couldn't do anything by himself because of the cerebral palsy he has. He needs surveillance for 24h/day and can't talk, so it's uneasy about communicating with him. But the real problem for me wasn't that, it was something else; an indirect manipulation created from self-pity where sparked my most deep-rooted trauma to humanity.

It wasn't easy to understand and care for disabled people, especially if I promptly get hurt and injured by them. I had to give my all to make them happy when I wasn't well. I had to make them smile even though I was sad and sick. Though many things were difficult for me, I love them, so I attempted to stay, but it made my husband worried about me.

He needed to massage me every night so that I could continue to work tomorrow. It put him in a hard situation, from the empathy side, I want to stay to help them. But from my well-being side, it pumped my mental health to the peak.

I prayed to God every day about my struggle. One of them was about whether I should continue this job or not because it sucked my soul and left me to feel bad about my self. I was told to do something that I didn't really understand (at first), and when I realised that it was not a good scheme and that I need to lie, it left me in agony.

I don't understand why people need to sugar coat something and hiding things. An ugly truth will be smelled sooner or later. Why it's so hard, to be honest, and evident from the start?

I didn't understand why God put me in that family (at first). A broken people like me isn't good enough for that kind of job; I am not even good people, nor an angel. Deep in my heart, I believe there must be a purpose why God put me there.

I love the family, though, but my feeling was screaming for help. I was so depressed, and my big fat of anxiety chocked me. I can't continue doing something that isn't appropriate, especially if I was told to lie. 

This kind of circumstances initiated me to remember a quite similar situation 3 years ago. I was instructed to lie to all my coworkers and customers about my visa and stuff. Left me to feel so depressed and felt really bad about my self. I was blamed for everything even though it was not (all) my fault. No one near me wanted to listen. I was trapped, but God was with me always. During my struggle, He placed a good and faithful friend to help my sister and me in a place far from home. When we were with him, we felt loved with the little support from him. God is good.

Sometimes people older than us can be so nasty and illogical, they told us to listen to them, but they don't want to listen to us. They think because they're older, they have the wisdom, but they're wrong. The knowledge is from God, those who humbly ask, then God will give. We human are full of sins, so don't be full of yourself or you won't recognise your sins and stop growing.

At that time, I was sure that it wasn't entirely my fault, and God proved it to me. I've prayed to God that I let Him judge, not me, and please fill my heart with peace and forgiveness. I'm not frightened of them anymore, and I don't need to please them. I feared God, not them. I have God to pleased, not them. He will judge me and punish me if I'm wrong. He did beat me up, but he didn't forget to lift me up as well. I put my unworthy life to Him, not to people.

I don't mind if human hates me because I'm afraid if God will hate me. I don't care if people leave me, but I'm so scared if God forsakes me. 

He is the only one I feared.

In fact, I was brought up in a difficult situation since I was young. Now I know why and I'm grateful for everything.

I wasn't me in the past anymore so I can get out of this current situation before it was too late. I have learnt that not all people are meant to be in my life.  I have the right to decide for my self regardless of any seniority or pressure from a human.

I've learnt that sometimes human could justify themselves for something that isn't right and manipulate others to have mercy for them to do something that isn't right; like lying, cheating and corruption. 

I couldn't tell you the detailed story because I want to protect their feeling (even though they didn't know that I'm a blogger). But God wants me to share this story to you. I was worried, but He calmed my heart and said, "Do not be afraid because I'm with you".

The moral story is, no matter how difficult my life is; I believe that God will provide me with everything I need and nurture me in Him. I'm sure that He will never leave me. That's why I don't need to cheat, lie, or compose/join a scheme for my own benefit that it is all the signs of disbelief in His power and presence.

In August, after countless prayers and meditations, I stopped working. The trigger was because I had an accident when I was working; I was in pain and hurt my back badly. I think my body got weaker and weaker day by day because of supporting (A). I didn't realise that I was exhausted both physically and mentally. I like him a lot and think of him as my little brother, but mentally, it was really tiring, and I was guided to leave them for my family.

At that time, I was like, "God, is this the time? The time that you have made for me so I can leave?". It turned out that it was indeed the right time.

I started to go to a psychiatrist and had some recommended therapies for my problems, and slowly get better. One thing that is sure for us to get better mentally is 'a will to recover'. If you're not willing to get better and choose to stay in your mudhole, you won't get better.

I was diagnosed with severe mental health problems, it appeared that I had these problems since I was young. I left it untreated because no one could understand. Despite that, I have the power and wisdom to stay alive. And I want to praise the Lord for that.

I have learnt that all my life is a story written by Him. There's always a reason for every single thing that has happened, nothing is futile. If my useless life is actually has a meaning, then everything is starting to make sense for me.

You reap what you sow.

There must be a reason why I'm in the UK now, and it connects with the reason why my husband decided to pursue his PhD in the UK before he met me as well. He used to think about why he chose this way and follow the 'story' that left him puzzled. Now, everything is clear for us, and God guides us here. This is incredible to the point that everything seems ominous back then, but He is present, always.

In the darkness, even if there's a tiny light, it shines and illuminates the way.

I also learn that I can't help everyone in need, and I couldn't take care of everyone. Even though I desire to help people around me and that my compassion sometimes is killing me, but I have to admit that I am limited. That it is not my responsibility to shoulder their life that they have chosen, that it's not my fault for they have such experience. I also realise, despite all the pains, I have to remain to be me; having the empathy and compassion to others.

I have to appreciate God's plan, have faith and not decide my life with my own understanding. I need to ask Him humbly to come to me and speak to me.

Besides that, during my therapy. I also learn that I have the right to be happy and enjoy my life to the fullest. I am allowed to prioritise my self and my husband first over anything because we are my little family.

I have learnt that I'm worthy and deserve everything that I have now, that I have chosen this life and I have the responsibility to make it right. I have not wronged, and I am loved.

Last year, I also received the most beautiful and luxurious gift from God. That was the day where God made it possible for me to accept Jesus Christ in my life. Funnily, It was on Thanksgiving night, and we (me and my husband) didn't realise that it would be the special day. It happened really fast, without my awareness, but for the Holy Spirit, it was possible. The story between God and me is too long to be told in one post, so I'll see if I need to write about this in the future. My story with Him isn't over yet, it's just the beginning.

One sure thing, God's power is above any other authority in this world. Even though this earth is the kingdom of the fallen angels, but He is the creator, and He will make it possible for us.

I also learn that the enemy schemes are deadly and subtle. I, a sinful human, is clouded with the wisdom of this world and chained with the enemy's ability to bind me from the truth. Since I am susceptible to the spiritual world, and I also have many experiences with the dark, I can share about this confidently to you.

I have learnt that God is able to because He is God, that if He is willing; I can't refuse His command, and I can't run away from His plan. That no matter how I feel that I'm unworthy and insignificant, He accepts me dearly.

Besides the most precious gift, God has surrounded me with beautiful people in here that lead me close to Him more and more. I just knew them for a few months, but they are a keeper. I realised that God is very kind and loving and that I only need to put my trust in Him, and humbly ask Him to protect me so that my foundation will not be shaken.

God knows my deepest heart's desire that even I didn't seem to be aware of it. He granted it and made it possible for me.

2019 was indeed a spiritual and mental journey of learning, accepting, forgiving, self-love, healing, believing and surrendering. It was a part of my story, so thank you 2019, I'm looking forward to God's plan for me in 2020.

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