Monday, May 11, 2020

I'm 33 today!

I'm 33 now, what a cute number. It's in the middle of 30 and 35. I couldn't believe the fact that I'll reach 35 soon in a few years, time flies really! To think about it, I have been married for 1 and a half year, and will soon reach my second year. Btw, it's almost my second year in the UK as well.



Those bags are the birthday present from my husband. :D



When I think about it now, age is seriously just number. Despite my consciousness that I'm a mature woman now, but deep in my heart, I'm still a child. Woman in my country tends to tense easily towards age, especially if they haven't tied the knot with anyone yet. In this modern age, many women can stand for themselves despite being single, and I think that's wonderful.


I was once thought that I wouldn't commit to anyone ever. The reason was that I haven't found my other half yet, and I didn't want to match other people's expectation which I believe – is old school. Women are worthy, and it does not depend on whether we have married or still freakin' single. One more thing, we are still women even though we decide to not bear a child. 


(I'm not saying that I don't want to have a child here, it just that I think women have the freedom to decide about that as well; not her parents, not her husband, not her parents in law and obviously, not the society.)







Last year was very difficult for me. My mental health was at the lowest point of my life. I was diagnosed with severe anxiety, insomnia, depression and PTSD. All the horrors, traumas, worries, expectations, burdens and thoughts were haunting me every day. I didn't recognise how it started, it just existed. In fact, it was there inside me since I was young.


I didn't understand that I could be that helpless and mad. I thought about death occasionally because that was the easiest escape. Those uninvited enemies were indeed real and dreadful. It was almost impossible to run from them.


I went regularly to my GP, one CBT counsellor and two other counsellors for my other mental disorders. Those days were very dark, like the darkest shade of black I've ever seen. Imagine you trapped inside a world where there is no happiness, no life and there's no way out. Every time I woke up, I wished to disappear. The panic attack was one of my regular visitors, and it didn't even say hello.


Honestly, my counsellors have prescribed me with anti-depressant because my condition was so severe and there was no progress at all after a few months. I really wanted to give up the therapy and chose the easy way (which is the anti-depressant). I wanted to feel happy again once more, but I didn't think I could do anything at that time.


But God is good, He is indeed amazing and holy. He has given me a strong family bond and root that makes me so persistent with my self. 






It was very hard to come out from the mud when it kept sucking me strongly and resisted to let go. But I remembered what I have been through since I was young, and I didn't want to give up yet.



Because I am not weak



God had taught me the harsh way to make me stronger than ever. He never left me. He was always there trying to guide and support me when I was down there.


Sometimes I wanted to surrender and I felt so helpless, but I didn't want to disappoint my husband and my Father. The road was dark and there was no better place to go. I told my self, "I have to go out, even though I have to crack a bone". 

That force was up and down, but no matter how small the light is, I'll keep trying.

This is the invisible battle that no one notices, no one cares and no one will clap for me. Luckily, I have my Father and my husband who always believe in me. Thousand of people like me out there, and if you read this, tell your self:



"I have to win this battle"



I tried to let go of things that burden me, things that aren't my business and aren't my fault– to begin with. I let go of the expectations and humiliations, the eyes that judge me and all the voices inside me. The failures that weren't mine and were mine was understandable. That it was okay to be rubbish; that it was okay to take care of my self first, that it was okay to feel weak and helpless.

It wasn't the end of my story, not yet.

The fact that I'm not the only one who feels like this makes my heart lighter.

I'm not weird. :)





I feel so grateful that my existence in the UK is actually one of the plans from God. I've got a lovely GP who really cares about me. She referred me to get some therapies from the experts.

I actually went to get different therapies regularly, I never skip them because they were important for me. NHS is wonderful, and I think the health system in the UK is great. I will be forever thankful for it.



Now because of the lockdown, I can't go to meet my counsellor and my GP. I can't get any therapies, and I was kinda sad at first. But I guess many people need the therapy more than me right now, so it doesn't matter. I will try to work on the module by my self.


I guess I just have to be very patient with my self because it's not an easy task. I have to build my strong determination to heal and become more stable. 


All my counsellors suggested me to do breathing exercise for my severe anxiety and take some supplements daily. They all very happy to hear that I've tried to keep my healthy lifestyle for years. My lifestyle sometimes could actually help me with my mental health. 

Some books were recommended for me to help my therapy as well. I just need to work on it and enjoy the process.


The key for the healing is I have to be really persistent to manage my anxiety and do the cognitive behaviour therapy. I have to be very detail and patient with my self. I need to forgive me when I've failed and it's okay to start again from the beginning.


That every little thing I've done counts. I believe that all my efforts won't be fruitless.


My GP and counsellors suggested some rules that I must follow to get better, one of them is exercise. I have to admit that since I moved to the UK, I've never done any form of exercise here. One of the many reasons is the space in our flat and sadly, the weather.


I used to do some exercises regularly when I was in Indo, I didn't know that it means a lot for my mental health. Even some stretching is beneficial for our overall health. Trust me.


Recently, I've decided to do some yoga and pilates. In my 33, I want to start all over again. I want to plant a good habit every day and some positivities in the morning. It's been amazing so far. 


This is my first time to do yoga, and I love it a lot! It's really different from my usual exercise set, it's more spiritual and relaxing. I think this is what I need now.


I used to do some hard dance moves for cardio and continue it with a little bit of pilates and some targeted exercise. It was very very tiring but helped me to stay skinny so I could fit all my kawaii clothes back then.


For my birthday, I just want to be healthy and happy. I want to start to practise mindfulness step by step to improve my insomnia. I'm not young anymore so my body can't take my severe insomnia like when I was before. I need to start another good habit for my health, mind and soul. Nothing is too late.


I also want to make more time for my Father, I want to know more about Him. I hope that I can continue to follow Him until the end of my life.


33 is a beautiful number, and meaningful for me. This birthday is my second birthday in the UK and will probably be the last one here. I have made some decisions for my future. My husband and I have talked about our life countless times and came with some resolutions. We have the same vision and mission that won't suit the condition here.



We belong somewhere else for the next stage of our lives.



Life is good here, too good. I feel like this kind of life is something I'd like to have 30 years later, not now. Nothing is wasted tho. I've got the unforgettable experiences here that made me stronger and wiser. I also got some seeds to plant from Him and I'm curious how it turns out. I've learned deeply about my self, and the revelation actually makes me appreciate my self even more. That I have been through a lot and I'm not less than other people.







I'm thankful for all the pains and of course for the wonderful family on the earth that God gives me. I'm grateful for all the blessings and the hardships.


33, let's be awesome! :)